


I should've told you what you meant to me

by hangeisms (Zan_n)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Based on a Katy Perry Song, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, Other, Regret, Sorry Not Sorry, post college
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:56:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29682924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zan_n/pseuds/hangeisms
Relationships: Levi Ackerman/Hange Zoë
Comments: 5
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**May 10th, 2011**

Graduation day ended with everyone watching the sun rise on the grass at Nanaba’s house. Everyone lied on their back, silent. This was the last day they would all be together like this.

“This is it, huh?” Hange broke the silence.

That alone caused Nanaba to reach for Hange’s hand as she started crying. Hange started crying with her.

“Seventeen hours difference.” Erwin sighed. “No more Friday night board games.”

Miche sniffled. “I thought we said we weren’t doing this.”

Hange swallowed a sob and laughed. “I’m sorry, you’re right. It’s just really hitting me now. Well, it was setting in all day but now I’m really feeling it. I’m gonna be away from all my friends, in another country, starting today. Maybe…”

“Nope, you’re going! You’ve been dreaming of this day since you graduated middle school. You are not giving in to those second thoughts.” Nanaba hugged Hange and shook her head.

“I know, but I’m just...maybe I can change my flight, spend one more day here.”

“No, you’re not gonna do that.” Levi spoke up, looking at the group and then looking at Hange.

Hange smiled at their best friend and chuckled. “I knew you’d say that.”

“Aww, Levi, don’t be like that. You know you’re gonna miss Hange the most.” Nanaba pouted.

Levi looked back at the sky with a scowl, leaving Hange giggling.

“Sunrise.” Erwin announced.

Everyone looked at the sky as the sun rose, the colors in the sky changing.

Levi looked at Hange, watching their expression. The last time he’ll see Hange in awe at the sunrise despite them seeing it several times now. Their wide eyes behind their wire framed glasses that rested on their hooked nose. His eyes wandered to Hange’s cheeks which were pink, then to their lips which were still tinted red from the makeup they wore during the ceremony. He looked away from Hange when he realized he was being watched by Erwin and Miche.

***

Hange and Nanaba were in Nanaba‘s room; where Hange gathered the last of their things. Nanaba was driving them straight to the airport from here, all goodbyes would take place here. Levi sat in between Miche and Erwin on a couch in the living room, listening to the clock tick as every second passed.

“Are you gonna tell Hange?” Erwin asked, not looking at Levi.

“Tell them what.” Levi stared at his feet, his voice flat.

“How you feel, stupid.” Miche whispered, elbowing Levi roughly.

Levi grunted. “What the fuck?” He turned to Miche, his face was unchanged. “Even if I felt anything, what does it matter if I say it? Fuck off.”

“So you have, as you always say, no regrets.” Erwin said, looking at Levi. “At least it’ll be off your chest, you can move on.”

“Both of you can fuck off.” Levi nearly raised his voice. “I don’t feel anything. Stay the fuck out of my business.” Levi stood up, turning to leave.

“So you wouldn’t mind if I confessed? Wouldn’t bother you if they found someone else?” Erwin asked. Levi stopped walking and clenched his fists, but stayed silent. “Tell them.”

Levi glared at Erwin before leaving the living room to go outside, sitting on the steps of Nanaba’s house.

Even if he felt anything towards Hange, he doesn’t want Hange to stay for him. Hange has been dreaming of studying botany and medicine in other countries for years, and they finally got a chance--right out of college. He wouldn’t take that away from them for something as selfish as romance, or his pathetic feelings. But regardless, Hange’s too good for him.

He has business here in America, Hange has their dreams abroad. Even if he wanted them to stay, or if he wanted to be with them, it just wouldn’t work. It’s better this way.

That, of course, is if he had feelings anyway. But he didn’t.

Hange was his best friend. His closest friend. Not once did Hange ever judge him or look down on him. They always listened to him, trusted him, but most importantly, Hange understood him. He, in turn, gave Hange the same kindness. Both of them slowly became closer over the years, and now that chapter of his life is possibly coming to an end.

And as much as he didn’t want it to end, he was proud as fuck of Hange’s success and he wasn’t going to let his feelings as a friend—as their best friend—stop Hange from going to pursue their dreams. Regardless of his feelings, romantic or platonic, he’s not stopping Hange. Hange deserved the world. Hange deserved this.

“Levi? What are you doing out here?”

Levi looked up, his eyes meeting Hange’s. “Erwin and Miche were pissing me off.”

Hange put down their carry-on and sat next to him. “What were they saying?”

Levi looked away. “Doesn’t matter.”

This might be their last in person conversation ever.

Levi might not ever make eye contact with Hange as they made that goofy smile, the soft humming after they laughed once he responded to some teasing. He might not ever hear Hange’s whining and feel their hands on his shoulder, shaking it after he made a snarky remark which always ended in one of those signature laughs that only Levi ever got to hear.

“We’ll still be able to call each other.” Hange put their hand on his and they made eye contact again. “And once I make enough money, I’ll be able to come home for the holidays. Lucky for you, I’ll be able to come home for your birthday too.” They chuckled and nudged Levi before their smile faded. They turned away. “I’m...really going to miss you, Levi.”

Levi watched Hange, unable to look away. A wave of emotions came over him with those words, nearly suffocating and drowning him in the relief, the sadness, the bittersweet and melancholic happiness knowing the feeling of being missed was mutual. “I’ll...miss you too, four eyes.”

“It’s...kind of silly, and I know it is, but I wish you...I wish you were begging me to stay.”

“You know I wouldn’t. You’ve wanted this forever. I know you. If you stayed, you would regret it. You can’t stay out of that kind of action. America doesn’t have what you’re looking for.” Levi waited for Hange to look at him, but they never did.

“I know...you’re right.” Hange laughed, their voice shaking. “I’m glad I met you.”

This was goodbye, wasn’t it? “Me, too.”

***

“Everything’s packed and ready to go.” Nanaba put her hand on Hange’s shoulder and looked at the group. “Time for those final goodbyes.”

Miche pulled Hange into a hug and picked them up, spinning them around. “We’ll keep in touch, Hans.”

“Thank you for everything, Miche!” Hange hugged him back and squealed. “I’ll miss your hugs!”

He put Hange down and smiled. “Have a safe flight.”

“I will! I have that neck pillow in the car, the one with the memory foam. I’ll make sure to get a warm meal too!” Hange gave him a wide smile before hugging Erwin. “Erwin, thank you for everything.”

“I can’t wait to see all your pictures and hear you talk about everything once you get there, Hange.” Erwin held them tight. “Stay safe. We’ll miss you over here. Always welcome to come back.”

Hange nodded in his shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll send hundreds and hundreds of pictures.” They broke the hug and gave Erwin a thumbs up. “Thank you again.”

“Take care, Hange.”

Hange looked at Levi.

“If you’re gonna cry, you can get—“

Hange practically threw themselves into Levi’s arms and hugged him tight.

Levi froze. It felt like time had stopped. No one else was here; it was just them and that

Despite their long standing friendship, hugs were rare. Levi had his own way of showing affection that didn’t involve something this intimate, and Hange respected it. But this was the first time in a very, very long time that Hange hugged him.

It was such a foreign feeling for Levi, being held this way, touched this way, and having someone cry on his shoulder like this. Sure, Hange had cried in front of him before but not like this.

“Please, Levi,” Hange held him tighter as they cried. “Please hug me back.”

Levi’s eyes widened and he quickly wrapped his arms around Hange, hugging them just as hard as they hugged him.

“I’m so scared. I don’t wanna go anymore. I wanna stay here.”

“Four eyes.” His voice was stern, which made Hange laugh even though they were still crying.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you by my side, Levi.” Hange buried their face in his neck.

“You…” Levi sighed deeply. “You’re going to go out there, you’re going to meet a lot of new people, work in your field, make new friends, learn a new language. You don’t need me for that.”

Hange didn’t respond. Levi tried to pull away, but Hange held on. “Just a little longer.”

“As long as you stop crying.” Levi knew everyone was looking at them but he didn’t want to let Hange go until they stopped crying.

Hange pulled away, tears still falling down their cheeks, but they smiled. “Thanks, Levi.”

The last time he’ll see that smile. Now it’s really over. “Dedicate your heart.” He wiped one of their tears away, before dropping his hand, giving Hange one more look. “See you, Hange.”

“Bye, Levi.” Hange turned away and got into the car before sticking their head out the window to wave and cheer. “Bye, everyone! I love you all!”

Erwin and Miche waved while Levi stood watched. The car pulled off, and he felt his chest ache.

“You good, man?” Miche put his arm around Levi.

Levi shook his arm off, frowning. “I’m fine.”

“You’re crying.” Erwin handed Levi a travel-size pack of tissues.

Levi brought his fingers to his cheek. He was.


	2. Chapter 2

May 28th, 2011

“I’ve got really long hours, and then I come home and I eat and basically pass out and as soon as I wake up, I have to go back to work! I swear, I have no freetime!” Hange whined over a video call. 

Levi, Erwin, Nanaba, and Miche who were all in the same video call listened quietly. 

“And then even if I have freetime, there’s still this huge time difference. It’s not like I can really spend it with you guys…it’s kinda lonely!” 

“Aren’t you making other friends?” Erwin took a bite of his sandwich and spoke again, his mouth full, “You were so excited to meet new people. What happened to that?” 

It was night on Hange’s side, daytime on everyone else’s. The five of them making time to speak like this took some planning, but they all made it. 

Hange smiled brightly. “I do have other friends! But we’re all still getting settled. Like I said, long hours, eat, sleep, work again. That’s basically everyone’s schedule right now. Maybe when training’s over it’ll be better. But they’re really cool, I think you guys would really like them! Even you, Levi!” 

Levi had barely paid attention to what was being said during the call. He was half asleep, but seeing Hange again for the first time in two weeks on a screen made his heart ache. He couldn’t take his eyes off of them. From that stupid sloppy ponytail and then those lips, and then their stupid cheeks that he knows are soft, even on a pixelated screen he could tell they were still just as soft. 

When was the last time they didn’t see each other for such a long period of time? 

When Hange called his name, he woke up and sat upright. It had been a while since he heard that too; his name in their voice. 

He’ll never take anything like this for granted ever again.

“As long as they’re clean.” Levi leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, exhaling deeply. Hange chuckled, which brought an uncomfortable amount warmth to Levi’s chest. He held back the urge to put his hand over his heart. 

“Oh, Nanaba! Miche! You guys are still going away, right?” Hange excitedly asked, their hands slamming down on the table. It shook their camera, which made Levi want to laugh. He held it in, “Tell me more, tell me more!” 

Nanaba laughed and nodded. “Yeah, me and Miche are just gonna go on a road trip for a few weeks.” She looked at Miche. “He’ll be doing most of the driving since he lost a bet.” 

“Ooh, a bet? What kind of bet?” Hange smirked.

Nanaba went to speak, but Miche interrupted her. “Nevermind about what the bet was. We will be gone for a while, yes.” 

Nanaba scoffed and hit him lightly before turning back to the camera. “We’ll stop at hotels on the way but I don’t know about service.” 

Hange shook their head and smiled. “Don’t worry about it! Like I said, it’s gonna be hard to reach me anyway.” Then they looked away from their screen. 

Levi couldn’t be fooled. The others didn’t pick up on Hange’s tone and weaker smile, their low energy and even their poor posture. It was so obvious to him. Just as the others started a new conversation, Levi spoke up. “What is it, four eyes?” 

Everyone got quiet and looked at the screen, 

“Huh?” Hange looked up at the screen. “I’m fine, Levi. I’m just tired.” 

“And yet you agreed to do a long call with us?” Levi tried to tease, but his voice was shaky.

Hange smirked. “Of course I did. I know you missed me, so don’t even act like you’re mad I sacrificed my sleep and well-being to be here.” They stuck their tongue out and laughed. 

He has no response to that. Thinking about whether it may be true or not left an uneasy feeling in his stomach. What’s going on with him today?

“Hange, just let us know if this time doesn’t work for you. We can just do another time of day.” Nanaba frowned.

Hange hummed and shook their head. “Erwin,” they turned the attention away from Levi. “How’s job hunting?” 

“It’s fine. I have an interview next week but this one is most likely going to be the one.” 

“Oh my god! Eyebrows getting a job right after graduation too?” Hange clapped. “Congratulations!” 

“Well, it’s not confirmed yet—“ 

“Might as well be.” Miche smirked. “No one’s a better candidate than you.” 

After a few beats of silence, Nanaba spoke up.

“I hope we get to do this more often.” she said softly. “I know everyone’s gonna become busier but this was really nice.” 

“I’ll do my best to stay in contact.” Hange gave everyone a thumbs up. 

“I’ll hold you to that.” Erwin laughed. 

Nanaba and Miche left the call first, Erwin following shortly after. It was just Levi and Hange. 

“Wait, Levi—“ 

Levi took his hand off the mouse, right before he ended the call. He looked at the screen. He was dreading this. This exact moment. This one-on-one with Hange, their first conversation alone since Hange left. It was going to be different from all his other conversations with Hange, and he knew this. He didn’t want that time to come. But it’s here. 

Hange opened their mouth but just stared back at him before looking away, laughing sheepishly. “I forgot what I was gonna say now.” 

Levi looked at his hands, looked at the clock, looked anywhere but at Hange. He just couldn’t look at them. 

He would miss Hange as soon as this call was over, as soon as they were gone. But now it’s really setting in that he had absolutely no idea what he was going to do without Hange either. 

He knew the ‘we’ll call each other’ thing was all bullshit, and tonight was proof. He could see how tired Hange was, and the thought of Hange losing sleep just to talk to everyone upset him. He was willing to make the sacrifice instead, but when he gets a job, will he even be able to make the time to do so? 

“Hi, Levi.” 

And when Hange says his name, it just makes all of this even harder for him. How many more times will he ever hear Hange say his name before they never speak again? Before they part ways for good? 

Then again, how many times will he get to say Hange’s name and get any response? Before they go their separate ways, their paths never crossing again? 

“Hange,” Levi looked at the screen. 

Hange touched the screen and sighed. “This is so much harder than I thought it would be.” 

Levi slowly put his hand where Hange’s hand would be touching his. His eyes watered. He couldn’t say anything.

“I’ll try to at least call you more, okay? Don’t...give up on me.” Hange hiccuped and wiped their tears. 

Levi couldn’t think of anything to say, not even anything clever. All he could say was, “Okay.” 

The time has come. He can see Hange was tired. It’s time to let them go.

“Four-eyes,” 

“Yeah?” 

“Take care of yourself.” 

“I will.” 

“Don’t stay up too late.” 

“I won’t.”

Levi looked down as his vision blurred. “...call me if you need me.” 

“I will.” Hange sniffled. 

The two looked at each other at the same time, both of them with tears falling down their cheeks.

“Goodbye, Levi.”

“Bye, Hange.” 

The call ended.


End file.
